President Obama Orders the Removal of Troops From the NFL

In an effort to reunite military families with their loved one on Thanksgiving, President Barack Obama has ordered the immediate removal of all active duty military personnel from the opening ceremonies and halftime celebrations of National Football League games.

“This is a great day for our troops,” said Lieutenant Mitchell Evans of the Army Public Relations Department. “No longer will our fighting men and women have to suffer corporate country rock and boring opening ceremonies in an effort to make overweight football fans feel just a tad more patriotic before they get drunk on beer. It’s time to bring these brave men and women home to their loved ones.”

“I think it’s a shame,” said Detroit Lions fan Bernard Chelsea. “None of my kids are in the military so I really don’t have an opportunity to thank the men and women who are fighting all those wars we keep fighting. Football games are the only time I can show my support. Without that fly over with those fighter jets, I forget we were even in Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan.”

The White House hasn’t been announced whether this ban on military tokens will last the entire season. With the lockout of the NBA in place and the end of the baseball season, it could mean military personnel will no longer have to wander the nasty confines of America’s pee stained sports complexes for the foreseeable future.